Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sanity

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Had my second visit with my new head-shrinker. I wasn’t very impressed with him after our first visit. He seemed more interested in sending me on my way with my current percentage rate intact as long as I didn’t rock the boat, because they are not interested in doing life-long care. I’m not saying that I’ll require therapy for the rest of my days, but I am not where I need to be to be a fully functional member of society. Nor am I sure that I want to be a fully functional member of society…again. Look what it did to me the last time I played nice with others.

Quick Recap:

Did the Army thing for a few years. People tried to kill me. It didn’t set well with me. However, I was resilient for 24 years. Had a nice and healthy break-down. Was going to kill my co-workers, because they deserved it. Freaked out and ran to the mountains of Montana. Got help. I’m better. Really don’t want to go down that path again.

Anyway, during the last visit I had an emotional moment. This seemed to grab his attention. Apparently, if you cry in your therapists office they get all excited and want to “help” you.

All the crap that is/has been going on in the VA system is nothing new to those of us who have been in the system for many years. I was allowed to walk around for 24 years with no help like a human time bomb. My physical disability was neglected to the point it has affected other areas of my body. I am now of an age where the doctors say stuff like “that is to be expected in someone of your age”. NO SHIT!, but why in the hell have I been in pain for 20 some years before I got to this age? If anyone would have taken the time to talk to me they might have figured out that I was the poster boy for PTSD years ago. We’ll never know because NO ONE in the VA system gave two shits about anything but holding onto their cushy little jobs and benefits. Is that an exaggeration? Yes, I am sure that someone cared about us vets. However, I never found them. This is how many vets feel. Lost, abandoned, no hope. We were/are left to our own devices. Drugs, alcohol, crime, solitary lifestyle. These are things that some of us fall into.

It is no wonder that we are losing soldiers/veterans to suicide on a daily basis. I have contemplated taking the long walk many times. I had the route picked out, the mode of transportation, just needed the nudge to push me over. Luckily, I always had something to do. Something that I wanted to accomplish before I shook off this mortal coil. People like to say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 20+ years is not feeling very temporary. I know that I am not the only one who was left out in the cold and even chased away at times.

Anyway, you are not alone. There are a lot of us that no one seems to care about. We are a group. We are family. We can care about each other, and sometimes that is all it takes, just knowing that someone cares.

In a nutshell I just described socialized government run healthcare. Enjoy your Obamacare. Those of us who have been living this nightmare for years tried to warn you. Suck it, NEWBS!

I always like writing these kinds of posts. I never know exactly where I will end up. I know that I have something to say, but then I get distracted and wander down paths of unknown origin.

~Grim

 

Quitting Smoking

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I’ve been smoking cigarettes for the better part of 30 years. Once I quit for 3 years. I’m seriously thinking about quitting again. I kind of quit on the 20th of March, 2014. When I say I kind of quit, I mean that I ran out of cigarettes and have yet to purchase any new ones. I have taken hits off of the little lady’s cigarettes. I have also bummed the occasional cigarette off of her son.

Pros for Quitting:

Healthier lifestyle. Money savings. I smell better.

Cons for Quitting:

The 15 pounds I have gained. Constantly hungry. I want to smoke. I’m kind of a dick when I quit.

I’ve been using an e-cigarette to smooth out the cravings. It helps…somTRIALPACK-2e.

It would be nice to quit for good.

I really like smoking though.

I’ll have to exercise to lose this weight.

We’ll see.

I have a feeling that I’m “done” smoking, but I’ll be the annoying mooch whenever I get around smokers.

~Grim

 

What I Learned Today

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This is a list of shit that I have learned. The “Today” part of the title is relative.

suicideL

1) I learned that her cats can do no wrong. Ever. They are just being cats. However, my dog just being a dog is a lack of discipline and training.

2) I learned that it is okay for her to accuse, yell, cry, sigh, eye-roll, have issues and generally get pissy. However, if I raise my voice a little bit then I’m being aggressive, teetering on abusive.

3) I learned that, though I have cooked for myself a vast majority of my adult life, I can’t cook and I should not be allowed in the kitchen unsupervised.

4) I learned that I am an insensitive bastard if I don’t bend to, and embrace every single one of her wants, needs and desires. However, if I want something I better be able to get it on my own without any help from her and I better make sure it doesn’t interfere with any of her stuff or there will be hell to pay.

5) I learned that, though I have a smell and generally make too much noise, I have developed the stealth skills of a ninja and am scaring her constantly just by walking into the room and saying “hi”. See number two for reactions to my apparently awesome ninja skills.

6) I learned that her PTSD is way worse than my PTSD, and that not only soldiers get PTSD, even though I’ve never said otherwise.

7) I learned that my newly acquired ninja skills are causing her PTSD to trigger, therefore making me an insensitive bastard. See number four. However, I better not get upset or even react if she accidentally startles me.

8) I learned that no matter how comfortable sweat-pants are, I should not be wearing them even if I am not going anywhere. I should be wearing my blue jeans.

9) I learned that quitting smoking, because we ran out of money for the month, is fine for me. I also learned that, even though I have been one of those considerate smokers who doesn’t smoke around non-smokers, I better not expect the same treatment in return or see number four.

10) I learned that I have no idea why I live with anyone. Ever. I am more happy alone.

11) I learned that I tend to blow shit out of proportion and let my paranoia get the best of me.

12) I learned that when things are good, they are great, but when they are bad I completely forget about the good times.

13) I learned that moving in with her was the best thing I could have possibly done.

14) I learned that, as tempting as a “permanent solution” is, see number eleven then see number thirteen.

15) Most importantly, I learned that making a list is a good way to get shit off my chest and be able to review it with a clear mind and an unbiased eye. Weigh the shit out and see where everything falls on the scales. Anything that qualifies as bullshit gets removed from the scales and doesn’t count.

Grim~

 

Birthday Update

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Things turned out okay. I crawled begrudgingly out of my funk and had a good time. We had BBQ beef ribs, baked potatoes, broccoli and the coolest B-Day cake EVER!

BestCakeEver

My new family has accepted me and welcomed me into the fold. This was probably one of the most meaningful birthdays I have ever had. I wrote a post about video gaming and PTSD. Even after explaining how gaming helped me and that I am alive today because of gaming, I never really got support from those I hold dear. My new family is a gaming family. They understand and accept that gaming can be part of a “normal” life. This means a great deal to me. We game together. We talk about games. We do and talk about other things too, but games are not taboo. My gaming no longer has to be that dirty little secret that we just don’t talk about. Kind of liberating, actually.

All in all a very good birthday.

Update on Lola’s vet visit.  Lola is healthy and got all her shots along with some new flea medicine. We also got her nails done. New vet, new area, new shot and stuff equals one hell of a vet bill. Was it worth it? Yes. I’m broke, but my dog is in good shape. That’s all that really matters.

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Peace,

Grim

Getting Older

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I went over my dog’s paperwork tonight and discovered that she is going to be 6 years old this year. I thought she was 2 when I got her. She was actually 4. Mortality kind of sucks. I should get another 8 or so years with her, However, it is 2 years less than I was counting on. I guess it’s time to bump up my quality time with Lola.Lola and I waiting to be attacked

I’m thinking all this may have been brought on by my own mortality. 48 years old today. Definitely on the downward slope of my own personal timeline. The body isn’t what it once was. I have lived longer than I originally planned. Things have not gone the way I would have liked. I’m unemployed and on disability.

I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful grand kids. I have a delightful dog. A girlfriend who only moderately puts up with my shit. I’m thinking I’ll spend my birthday at the beach with my dog. I do have to take Lola to the vet. That should prove to be awesomely expensive and unpleasant.

Usually birthdays are a happy time for me. This one is blanketed in a haze of suck. I’ll just be glad when this weekend is behind me. With this birthday it feels like the countdown has begun. This is not a good feeling. It is a pretty safe bet that I have lived more years than I have left. I have faced Death several times in the past. I would get angry and defiant; and I always came out on top, flippy Death the finger and telling him to take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut hole. However, this feels like a sad, slow exit.

It is like Death is sitting back in a recliner just patiently waiting. Every now and then he looks at his watch and just smiles at me while shaking his head sadly. It is as though I have just discovered that you can not out run time. I am tired. Not tired enough to quit. I have plenty of fight left in me. I just wish the fights would space themselves out a little more. I could have another 40 years left in me. Maybe 50, but that is doubtful. Most likely I am officially passed my mid point. If 48 is putting me in the doldrums, I can’t wait to see how magnificently depressed I’ll be when 50 hits.

There is supposed  to be something akin to a party in my honor this weekend. Got into a glorious row with the girlfriend this morning. I may just disappear for the remainder of the weekend. I’m not feeling real festive.

Well, happy birthday to me. Another year done.

O Me! O Life!

BY WALT WHITMAN

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
                                       Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

What will my verse be?

Grim

The Dog Park


Much like the Dog Park in Night Vale, this dog park will fill you with a sense of dread and trepidation. This is not the dog park you see in commercials on television. Nor is it the dog park you see in magazines. This is a dog park that feels like it fell straight out of a Tim Burton movie.

It is an interesting little place. A place that feels mostly familiar, but vaguely off-putting. At first glance you think to yourself, or say to your dog, this looks like a nice park. After you are there for a few minutes, you find the dead bird carcass by the fence. The rotten tennis balls hidden in the brambles.The further you walk into the dog park, the more likely you are to step on a doggy landmine. It appears that the owners/handlers get lazier the deeper in their dogs go. Maybe the dog park feeds upon their good intentions to clean up after their dogs, thereby preventing them from actually doing the clean up. Except for that asshat with the pet baby mammoth that shat near the park’s gate. He’s just a jerk and should be placed in stocks, and have giant piles of rained on dog poo flung at him repeatedly.

Dog Park GateThey have a dog poo bag dispenser right by the entrance. Free dog poo bags. No charge. All you have to do is grab one and pick up your dog poo. Apparently that requires more effort that some folks are willing put forth. People suck…in a very bad way.

Anyway, Lola and I went to the Dog Park at 7:30am this morning. It was rainy and coldish. 44F with a stiff SE 10 mph wind with an 80% humidity. It was a titty bit nipply out there. Lola and I stayed for about a half hour. Got cold. And left. No one else showed up and we had a nice time. Lola did not get attacked by anything. I will call this morning’s adventure a success.

The RulesThe Rules 2

Dogs and Beaches


Took my best girl out to the beach the other day. Everything was going great. We were finding cool rocks and checking out the driftwood. Watching the surf and enjoying the fresh sea air.

Lola and I waiting to be attackedThen all of a sudden this paradise on earth turned into a complete shit storm. Some dipshit decided it was a good idea to bring a pack of 5 dogs to the beach and not have them on leashes. Lola and I were sitting quietly on a large piece of driftwood when these beasties came running up and surrounded us. I wasn’t real thrilled and Lola was completely freaked the hell out. The dipshit was able to get most of the dogs away from us, but one decided that he needed to bite at my dog. This did not make me or Lola very happy. The dipshit said that I should kick at the dog. I was thinking of doing something a bit more permanent to the beastie. Luckily cooler heads prevailed and no dogs were sliced open and gutted on the beach. Lola didn’t get hurt, so no worries.

Two days later I discover a dog park near my place and decide that it might be fun to take Lola there. We show up and no one is there. except for some creepy guy standing next to his truck, as though waiting to snatch young children or something. Lola and I went into the dog park and I unleashed her. She ran around and had a ball. Eventually, another vehicle shows up with a friggin pack of 5 dogs. This was not our dipshit from the other day. This was new people who feel the need to have way too many dogs. This is Northwest Washington. It doesn’t get that cold here. Anyway, everything is going fine. I leash up Lola and stand to the side of the gate to allow the new folks and their pack to enter. The transfer takes place without incident. They are in the dog park and I’m not. Lola and I are heading for the car and out of no where one of the pack jumps the fence and tries to attack Lola. This dog did get kicked at. The people were great and did all they could to get their dog back under control, and they apologized. I don’t have a problem with them. Again, Lola did not get hurt.

Two times out and two times we were attacked by a pack of 5 dogs. I normally don’t care/judge/notice people and their pets and how many they have. However, when they bring out their packs of critters and thrust them upon society, one would hope that these people would keep their critters under some kind of control.

Lola's First Beach ExperienceI’ve decided that I will be taking my cane with me from now on. Doc says I should be using it anyway, so now I have an excuse to “use” it. The cane is the nice wood grandpa style cane. I’m sure that will knock the snot out of some wayward critters or owners.

I’ll keep you posted of our adventures. I’m sure we will be having all kinds of fun while trying to avoid being incarcerated for the abuse of critters and stupid owners.

Peace,

Grim

Moved and Stuff

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Greetings Kiddies.

Long time no see. Things have changed a bit, and stuffs just aren’t what they once were.

I now live in Washington state. What’s even better, I live on an island. Whidbey Island. 40’s in the winter and 70’s in the summer. Doesn’t get any better than that.

I still have to get my VA stuff and things figured out. Hopefully the transition goes smoothly. However, we all know that something will go terribly wrong and all of a sudden I’ll be non-existent in the system.

My mental state is fairly stable. Stress from the move and all. My dog, Lola, is now here with me.

I’ve discovered that, yes, I’m still having nightmares that result in me getting a bit vocal at night. I’m snoring now. And Walmart during mid-day still makes me run for the hills.

The plan is for me to post more often and actually do bloggy stuff on the blog. We shall see if I can keep to a schedule.

Talk to you soon,

Grim

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