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This is a list of shit that I have learned. The “Today” part of the title is relative.


1) I learned that her cats can do no wrong. Ever. They are just being cats. However, my dog just being a dog is a lack of discipline and training.

2) I learned that it is okay for her to accuse, yell, cry, sigh, eye-roll, have issues and generally get pissy. However, if I raise my voice a little bit then I’m being aggressive, teetering on abusive.

3) I learned that, though I have cooked for myself a vast majority of my adult life, I can’t cook and I should not be allowed in the kitchen unsupervised.

4) I learned that I am an insensitive bastard if I don’t bend to, and embrace every single one of her wants, needs and desires. However, if I want something I better be able to get it on my own without any help from her and I better make sure it doesn’t interfere with any of her stuff or there will be hell to pay.

5) I learned that, though I have a smell and generally make too much noise, I have developed the stealth skills of a ninja and am scaring her constantly just by walking into the room and saying “hi”. See number two for reactions to my apparently awesome ninja skills.

6) I learned that her PTSD is way worse than my PTSD, and that not only soldiers get PTSD, even though I’ve never said otherwise.

7) I learned that my newly acquired ninja skills are causing her PTSD to trigger, therefore making me an insensitive bastard. See number four. However, I better not get upset or even react if she accidentally startles me.

8) I learned that no matter how comfortable sweat-pants are, I should not be wearing them even if I am not going anywhere. I should be wearing my blue jeans.

9) I learned that quitting smoking, because we ran out of money for the month, is fine for me. I also learned that, even though I have been one of those considerate smokers who doesn’t smoke around non-smokers, I better not expect the same treatment in return or see number four.

10) I learned that I have no idea why I live with anyone. Ever. I am more happy alone.

11) I learned that I tend to blow shit out of proportion and let my paranoia get the best of me.

12) I learned that when things are good, they are great, but when they are bad I completely forget about the good times.

13) I learned that moving in with her was the best thing I could have possibly done.

14) I learned that, as tempting as a “permanent solution” is, see number eleven then see number thirteen.

15) Most importantly, I learned that making a list is a good way to get shit off my chest and be able to review it with a clear mind and an unbiased eye. Weigh the shit out and see where everything falls on the scales. Anything that qualifies as bullshit gets removed from the scales and doesn’t count.